When All You Want Is to Be Understood: Why Validation Matters
Consider this: You tell someone about something you’re going through. Maybe how your day was at work, how you’ve been feeling lately, or how you want to handle a situation you’re experiencing. You really just wanted them to listen and understand. But instead, they met you with advice, defensiveness, or maybe silence.
Let’s be honest, you just wanted validation. To be understood. For someone to just get it.
I’m here to tell you the truth about validation: what it is, what it isn’t, and why it matters. You might find out that validation is different from what you’ve thought all along. Or maybe this will clarify things for you. Let’s take a look.
What is Validation?
First, let’s understand what validation is and isn’t then, we’ll look at an example. Hang in there with me. Validation is acknowledging that a person’s emotions, thoughts and behaviors are real and that they make sense given their experience. Validation is about respecting that someone’s internal experience makes sense to them. It’s not agreeing, fixing or approving: it is simply acknowledging another's emotion without judgment.
In individual therapy, validation is used to encourage and support understanding of the client’s experiences. It will allow you to not only feel heard by your therapist, but also gain a deeper acceptance of yourself.
What Validation is NOT
Remember that feeling of wanting someone to listen, to just get it? Let’s be honest, it’s human nature to respond when someone shares any information. I mean, that is how a conversation works right? Back and forth. You talk, I respond or vice versa .
But, sometimes we REALLY just want someone to listen and understand–to validate.
Let me clarify, validation is NOT
Agreeing (“You’re right and I’m wrong”)
Compliments (“You handled that better than most people”)
Advice (“You should do this”)
Saying untrue statements (“You’re right, they don’t like you”)
Now, let’s look at that example I mentioned earlier to better understand validation.
Picture this: You’re at work and it’s time for your lunch break. You go into the kitchen where others are warming their food and preparing to eat lunch as well. Your coworker walks in, opens the refrigerator door and her lunch is gone. She immediately looks at you upset and says, “I can’t believe you ate my lunch! It was right here!!!!”
What do you say back? You did not eat her lunch nor do you know where it went.
In order to make her feel validated you respond, “I understand why you’d be upset, but I did not eat your lunch. I brought my own. But I get it, I would totally be angry too if I thought someone stole my lunch.”
She still looks frustrated, but you notice her body language loosen a little. She turns to look at the empty fridge rather than getting in your face. “So where is my lunch?”
You can tell by the way she says this that she is now focused on finding her missing lunch, and no longer sees you as the problem.
Although this may sound like a simple example, it shows exactly how validation works. You can validate the person's feeling (angry that their lunch is gone) without agreeing (because you did not take her lunch). She now feels understood and validated, so she relaxes a little and is more focused on problem-solving rather than attacking you or emotionally spiraling. This could have easily turned into a fight, but your great validation skills helped keep things civil!
Validation isn’t about who’s right or wrong- it’s about making space for understanding real feelings.
Therapy can help you develop the skill of validation so you can work through problems with others more constructively, rather than getting pulled into arguments.
Why Validation Can Be Hard (But It’s So Important)
Sometimes it can be hard to validate other people, but it's important. Maybe you didn’t feel validated growing up. Maybe you just want to “help” people or “fix” their problems. Or maybe you’ve just misunderstood how to validate and feel validated. Invalidation can hurt, especially when it’s from someone close to you, like a spouse or partner. Don’t worry, I’m here to help you.
Validation is important for our emotional health and relationships:
Relationally:
It shows we listen and we understand
It creates safety and connection
It makes problem-solving and support possible
Emotionally:
It helps regulate our nervous system (Instead of fight or flight, we feel calm and understood)
It reduces defensiveness and shame
It builds self-trust
Here’s some important things to validate:
Facts of the situation
A person’s experiences, emotions or feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts (Remember, this doesn’t mean you have to agree!)
Someone’s difficulties and struggles
Okay, I hope you’re not overwhelmed with all of this information, but if you are, that’s valid. I understand why you feel this way. (See, that right there was validation.) But seriously, I do get it, I’m sincerely offering validation! I’m here for you, just like the rest of us at Tamarasa Therapy! You can learn to validate someone's feelings and still hold true to your boundaries, this is not about abandoning your own self.
Ego vs Self
One really important concept that ties into validation is ego vs. self. Maybe you’ve heard of this before. It directly impacts our ability to validate others. Let me break it down simply for you.
Ego blocks validation. Higher self allows validation.
Ego:
Wants to be right
Seeks protection from feelings
Reacts defensively
Higher self:
Grounded and open
Holds space for other people’s feelings as well as their own
Takes accountability for their reality
When your ego is in control, validation feels like losing.
When your higher self is grounded, validation feels like connection.
“How to Guide”on Validation for You
1.Pay attention
When someone is talking to you, especially when they’re sharing something vulnerable… be present. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Respond with your face (smile at joyful thoughts and show concern when hearing something painful).
2.Reflect
To understand what the person said, say it back. Try not to say it in a defensive, judgmental way. This is to check in and ensure you heard the facts and understand what the other person is feeling.
3.Be observant
Let’s be honest, you can tell a lot by someone's body language. Facial expressions, stance, affect, they all play a part in understanding how someone is feeling. Be observant of this. It lets the person know you are really paying attention and care.
4.Understand
Think about how the person is feeling, what they’re thinking, and how the past might impact these feelings. You don’t have to agree with them, that’s not validation. Instead just acknowledge.
5.Acknowledge the valid
Acknowledge thoughts, feelings, and emotions. But, also look at the facts and reality!
6.Show equality
Be yourself! You are not better than or worse than anyone else. We are all simply humans, showing up, trying to be our best selves, even on the hard days. Be the person who validates others, because be honest with yourself, you want to feel that same way.
Validation Examples
“I can see why you thought that.”
“I can see why that upset you.”
“That sounds really frustrating.”
“I’m here for you.”
“Your feelings are valid.”
“It makes sense that you are [upset, excited, sad, happy] right now.”
Or try self-validating with these…
“It’s okay that I am feeling this way.”
“My feelings are valid, even if others don’t understand them.”
“It makes sense that I feel this way given all that I've been through.”
Let me close by saying: Validation is about real connection and feeling seen– you deserve it and you can offer it to others.
If you’re struggling to feel understood in your relationships, therapy can help. At Tamarasa Therapy in Durham, NC, our therapists support individuals and couples in building healthier communication, emotional awareness, and deeper connection.
If you’re ready to feel heard and supported, consider reaching out to schedule an appointment with a therapist at Tamarasa Therapy.
