How to date when you have a disorganized attachment style
Hey there! Back again with another attachment style… I hope you’ve learned a few things in our past couple of blogs! This week we’re talking about the last insecure type of attachment. Do you find it hard to trust your partner but don’t know why? Do you fear rejection? Maybe you don’t know how to express your feelings. Maybe you don’t even think you are capable of loving someone or being loved. These feelings can be hard to digest. You guessed it, it may be a type of attachment style you developed. Let’s dive right into learning about the disorganized attachment style.
What is the disorganized attachment style?
Disorganized attachment is one of the four main attachment styles. Sometimes it’s called fearful-avoidant attachment. It is an insecure type of attachment characterized by fear of closeness and abandonment. It can sometimes cause behaviors that are hard to predict. For example, someone with this attachment style may crave a loving relationship, but they fear it so they will become anxious or avoidant.
This type of attachment style combines characteristics of the other two attachment styles we’ve already discussed (See other blog posts: Anxious & Avoidant Attachment). If you have an anxious attachment style you may “cling” to your partner, and in an avoidant attachment you may remain very closed off. If you have a disorganized attachment style you do both, hence why it can be hard to predict your behaviors.
Craving an intimate relationship but being deeply terrified at the same time can be hard. We have to understand why we feel this way. As we continue on we’ll talk about what has caused you to be this way, the signs you can look for, and how to get help. That relationship you crave so intensely can be healthy and happy, don’t worry!
Why do I have a disorganized attachment style?
As children, we rely on our parents to take care of us. Our attachment style is actually based on how they meet our needs. When the person we innately desire and need the most becomes someone we fear, this attachment style develops. That security is taken away and you are now fearful of this person. You want to avoid them. And this is exactly what it looks like in your adult relationships now. This childhood trauma over time has disrupted your ability to think positively of yourself and others.
Some signs to look out for in yourself are:
Fear of rejection
Hard time relying on partner
Finding it difficult to be vulnerable with your partner
Feeling unlovable or not believing your partner when they say “I love you”
Difficulty regulating your emotions
How to date someone who has a disorganized attachment style
Dating someone with a disorganized attachment style might feel overwhelming. The uncertainty about how your partner may switch from open to closed off can be hard. However, someone who has a disorganized attachment style is capable of breaking this pattern. You can create a secure attachment style together. Here are some things you can do:
Practice compassion: Understanding that your partner acts this way due to an insecure past is important. You can show them some compassion, and also support them on their journey to learning self-compassion. This can increase their sense of self worth which ultimately leads to more security in your relationship.
“You are loved”
“You are capable of doing things”
“You are safe in this moment”
Validate their feelings: We talked about this in the anxious attachment style. You might be afraid that if you validate your partner’s emotions, that they will get more emotional. However, the opposite is usually true. Acknowledging how they feel, even when you don’t agree with them, will almost always decrease the intensity of the emotion. Remember, validation is just naming how they feel, not saying they’re right in their interpretations. Here are some examples of validation:
“It sounds like you felt anxious when I didn’t pick up your call.”
“When I was late to our date, you felt like you were being rejected.”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
Always Communicate: Always communicating with your partner is essential. We all desire to know our partners intentions. Showing someone with a disorganized attachment style that you crave a strong connection, will be open and clear about your feelings, and that you will listen to their needs can build trust.
How to deal with a disorganized attachment style
At Tamarasa Therapy, we can help you in the process of healing the underlying trauma that has caused your disorganized attachment style. A therapist can offer a safe space to help confront your mixed feelings. There are many different therapy techniques that can help you become more mindful of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. At the end of the day, we are individually responsible for those things, but once we start to love ourselves, we can love our partner deeply. Commit to working towards that secure relationship that you crave because you are capable, you are worthy, and you are lovable!
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References
Disorganized Attachment Style. (2023, June 19). https://www.simplypsychology.org/disorganized-attachment.html#Disorganized-Attachment-Signs-in-Adults
Rachel Green. (2023, June 20). How a Disorganized Attachment Style Impacts Relationships and How to Heal. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/disorganized-attachment-in-relationships-7500701
