How to date someone with a secure attachment style
Welcome back! We have reached our final attachment style! Previously, we have focused on the three insecure attachment styles, but this week we will talk about the secure attachment style. Let’s jump right into learning about how having a positive self-image, trust in others, and being authentically vulnerable leads to having a deeply meaningful relationship.
What is the secure attachment style?
Secure attachment is one of the main four attachment styles. However, this attachment style is unlike the others as it is characterized by more positive traits. Secure attachment style presents as having a positive view of yourself, trusting others, and being comfortable with intimacy. It’s feeling safe, valued, and secure.
Research shows that nearly 66% of society has a secure attachment style. I’m sure you’re wondering if you have this attachment style or if you’re capable of developing it. So, let’s look at some of the characteristics and dive deeper into understanding them.
Being self-content: Being able to love yourself is essential in relationships. When you are able to love and become confident in yourself and your life goals, you become more comfortable with your partner. Loving yourself is not selfish, it means you have self-compassion and can be secure in your relationship! Afterall, we are all made for relationships.
Being able to regulate emotions: Knowing how to practice mindfulness in order to regulate your emotions is important, especially when you are in a relationship. Relationships are give and take. You should be able to seek emotional support from your partner and also give the emotional support they need. This creates trust and healthy boundaries.
Being able to be vulnerable: Being vulnerable means being willing to go beyond surface level conversations in order to build deeper connections. It can be hard to reveal all parts of yourself, however it is key to growing and building a relationship.
Being able to openly communicate: We’ve all heard “Communication is key” and that statement is incredibly true. Communication allows you to express your emotions, needs, and allows for solving conflict in a respectful manner. Openly communicating is a space for validation and active listening. Another give and take example, if you will.
How did I develop a secure attachment style?
As we have previously discussed, attachment styles begin developing as children. When we are born we naturally rely on our parents to meet our needs. As children, one of the most important things is that we feel safe and secure. We also crave attention, meaning that we want to be safe and known. If our parents know how to read our cues, we feel like we have control of our lives. This is the first time we ever feel that. Another important concept is that our parents make us feel comforted. Handling distressing situations can be hard, and as children we begin learning how to do this based on how our parents reassured us. Lastly, being valued and supported is important to any of us. When we don’t get that in our childhood, it affects our adult relationships.
Don’t worry though, if these childhood feelings don’t resonate with you, you can still work towards a secure attachment style!
How to date someone who has a secure attachment style
Let’s be honest here, no relationship is perfect. Having a secure attachment style means that when you communicate you are able to solve problems rather than avoiding them. It means that you are able to open up and learn how to bond with your partner beyond the surface level. It means you understand the importance of relationships and work through those hard moments together by actively communicating and setting boundaries.
Secure attachment style does not mean your relationship will always be easy. We can all agree relationships can be hard, but when you find the right balance you can have a healthy, secure relationship. Honestly, a secure attachment style might mean there are more emotions felt throughout the relationship, however you learn how to tackle situations together, on the same team, rather than apart. It is important to know that we are supposed to feel all emotions as humans, even the hard ones. We are also built for relationships. Let us at Tamarasa Therapy help you work towards a secure attachment style because you deserve that!
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References
The 4 Attachment Styles and How They Impact You. (2022, September 23). Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles
The Attachment Project. (2020, July 2). Secure Attachment: The 5 Conditions Required for Every Child. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/
